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Don't get too serious

The Great Big List of Calorie-Free Foods

Ever wish there were foods you could eat that didn't contain any calories? Wish no longer. These foods don't contain a single calorie and can be eaten guilt-free.

It's a little known fact that some foods can, in certain situations, go from being fattening no-no's to being totally calorie-free simply by mangling your perspective. Here's a list of those foods and situations.

1. Anything sampled when preparing food - If you're taste-testing, those tastes are calorie-free. If you're cooking for someone else and aren't going to be having any yourself, those tastes actually have negative calories and can help you lose weight.

2. Anything eaten off someone else's plate doesn't count. If you can get it when they're not looking, that's negative calories again.

3. Food "rescued" from the floor - When the "3 second rule" is in effect (i.e. it's still good if it's only been on the floor 3 seconds or less), that snack has zero calories. Plus, if you have to race your dog to it and you win, you're allowed another bite from the original undropped item for free.

4. Out of necessity, food that is eaten on the day of the expiration date has no calories. After all, we don't want that triple-chocolate fudge cake to go to waist... I mean waste.

5. Anything eaten on your birthday, a friend's birthday or a family member's birthday has no calories. This includes family and friends whom you haven't spoken to or mentioned in years.

6. Foods that you've never tasted before are calorie free. If you don't recognise it, eat it guilt-free. If you can't even pronounce the name, that's negative calories.

7. If you live in an Italian family, your fifth and sixth helpings are calorie-free. Besides, "You're too skinny, you need to eat more."

8. The calories of any leftover foods will be added to the total of the day you originally started eating them on. This means the calories from the leftover pie you eat on Wednesday only count on Tuesday, the day you originally started the pie. And who cares about yesterday?

9. If you can eat it through a straw, it has no calories. For example, if you can get a piece of spaghetti through a straw, you deserve it.

10. Anything that contains the word "free" in it has to be calorie-free because advertisers would never lie or try to sell you a product that would make you fat. This principle also applies to the words "lite" and "reduced."

11. The last item or bite on any plate has no calories. For instance, the last biscuit? No calories. The last slice of pizza? No calories. The last box of doughnuts? No calories.

If you put all of these calorie-free foods into your diet, you will have great success in watching your waistline - it will be way out in front of you where you can see it!

Glossary of gym training terms

1. In The Zone: Tired and incoherent during a workout. Commonly described out of the gym as "spaced out."
2. Extended Warm-Up: 20 minutes at low tension on the stationary bike then 20 minutes of casual stretching then a shower.
3. Just One More Rep: Said to a spotter during a set. Really means: "Lift the weight for me."
4. Forced Reps: For the reluctant exerciser, every single rep of a workout is a forced rep. This is especially true when they have a mean trainer.
5. Hack Squat: The position a cat gets into when he's coughing up a hairball, commonly mistaken as a leg exercise.
6. Can I Work In With You?: Translation: "Can I remove all your weights and sweat all over your bench?"
7. Drop Sets: What sometimes happens after doing a hard set of dumbell bench presses. A triple drop set occurs when you drop two dumbells and yourself to the floor.
8. Bulking Up: Name for the phase during which an otherwise healthy trainer will try to get bigger and fatter on purpose.
9. I'm Maxing Out!: Translation: "I was going for 6 reps but I put too much weight on the bar and only got 1."
10. Cool-Down: Sit on a bench and drink from a water bottle while talking about how much more you'll lift next time.
11. Olympic Bar: Athlete's nightclub.
12. Squat Rack: The lonliest piece of equipment in the gym.
13. It's All You!: Said by spotter during the last few reps of a set. Translatation: "It's mostly me."
14. Meal Replacement Supplement: Cold pizza and warm beer.
15. Clean And Press: Surprisingly enough, it's a shoulder exercise, not laundry instructions. A variation of it is even known as the Hang Clean and Press.
16. High Intensity Interval Training: Occurs when there are two or more flights of stairs leading up to the gym.
17. Skullcrushers: An exercise where you make like you're going to bash your own head in with a barbell, a.k.a. lying tricep extensions.
18. Hold It At
The Top:
Said by a personal trainer when he or she wants to punish the client for missing a session.

The Truth About Eating Fat and Heart Attacks

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

Diets & Dying

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Have a piece of home exercise equipment that's collecting dust? Give it new life with these handy tips!

Almost everyone has bought home exercise equipment at some point in their life, be it a few rusty dumbells at a boot sale all the way to a complicated new home gym.

But how many people continue to use it consistently? Here are some uses (that you should never, ever actually take seriously, of course!) you may not have thought of for your forgotten purchases.

1. Dumbells - The original dark garage booby trap.

Dumbells make great children's toys. They are, of course, heavier and more dangerous than a barbie doll  and are not really as exciting as a video game but they certainly are cheap and hard to break.

Tenderizing meat - bash the meat with the dumbell repeatedly. Great shoulder and arm exercise too! May increase the iron content of your food significantly.

Bowling - set them on end and use them as pins. You will need a really heavy ball for this.

2. Ab Rollers - These are the abdominal training devices that feature a head rest attached to a frame that you set your arms on so you can rock, rock, rock your way to six-pack abs.

Roll cage for a toboggan - for the safety-minded parent. Protect your child from the heartbreak of a rollover accident on the sled hill by having him or her carry this while going down. Nevermind that they won't be able steer because they're holding onto the thing...

Tenderizing meat - lay the meat down below the head rest and rock violently back and forth on top of it.

Baby toy hanger - nothing good on tv? Hook some old christmas tree ornaments from the top crossbar and set your baby underneath. You'll both be amused for hours!

3. Thighmaster - no wardrobe is complete without this device. You simply set it between your legs and squeeze!

Keeps doors closed - jam it in the corner behind a door. When you open the door, it squeezes the spring. When you release the door, the stored tension closes the door automatically behind you! At 40 miles per hour!!!

Tenderizing meat - set the meat on the counter, squeeze the Thighmaster shut with your hands then release the spring on top of the meat like a bear trap.

4. Electric Ab Training Belts - Electrocute your way to a flatter stomach!

Unfortunately, they aren't very good for keeping your pants up, so that's out of the question.

Place mat/food warmer - somebody running late for dinner? Set their plate on it and turn up the juice!

Tenderizing meat - set the meat on the counter, place the belt on top of it, turn it to the highest level, then lean down on it with all your weight as it tenderizes and sears at the same time!

Driving safety gear - does your spouse have a tendency to get sleepy at the wheel? That's a thing of the past when they've got the belt on and you've got the controls in your hand...

5. And last but not least, every piece of equipment that has handles, bars, hooks, stacks, pins, corners, rails, seats, clips, stands or attachments and does or does not come in a box...          CLOTHES HANGER!

You Know You're a Dedicated Trainer When...

1. If, on a job application, under "Previous Employment," you've listed weight training and under "Hobbies" you've
listed your actual previous employment.
2. If you've ever made yourself so sore that it either takes you a full minute to sit on the toilet or you have to fall down onto it.
3. If you've been banned from an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant.
4. If you've ever broken a bone and tried to "train around it."
5. If you're buying a home and the first thing you look for is where your training equipment will go (not how big the kitchen is or if there's running water or anything like that).
6. If you've ever mentally calculated the protein content of a piece of your own birthday cake.
7. If you'd vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger regardless of his views, policies or even what he's running for.
8. If everybody you know asks you to help them when they move because you can lift heavy things.
9. If Navy Seal training "looks like fun."
10. If you've ever had to scratch your nose in the middle of a set and you've used the weight to scratch it.
11. If you've brought skinless chicken breasts to a rock concert instead of beer.
12. If you can remember your One Rep Max for 76 different exercises but you can't remember your family and friends birthdays.
13. You've kept an old vitamin bottle for 12 years because it "brings back memories."
14. If your fridge has more than 6 boxes of eggs in it at any given time.
15. If, when you travel, you pack an extra bag just for your supplements.
16. If your marriage vows include the words "for better or for worse or for pre-contest dieting."
17. If your idea of a good leg workout is one where you work them so hard you can't take two steps without falling down after a set.
18. If you use the squat rack more for squats than you do for barbell curls.
19. If your spotter is yelling "It's all you!" and it actually is.
20. You do bicep curls with your grocery bags as you bring them in.
21. You mix tuna into your cereal to get more protein.
22. If you need to go to therapy if you miss two workouts in a row.
23. If the thought of lifting a car sounds perfectly reasonable to you.
24. If you've ever set a 20 kilo plate on your lap and used it as a TV tray for eating dinner.
25. If you set your alarm to wake up in the middle of the night to drink a protein shake.
26. If you don't even have to set your alarm anymore to wake up in the middle of the night to drink a protein shake.
27. If you've ever managed to get the calorie counter on a cardio machine to go back around to zero.
28. If you've ever had to add extra weight to a machine because there's just not enough weight on it for you.
29. You mix protein powder into your condiments.
30. If you're regularly the very first, very last, or only person in your gym.
31. If you've laughed at any single one of the items in this list because it describes you perfectly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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